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The personal journal of technology journalist and conference speaker Randall S. Newton.

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Friday, March 04, 2005

Newton's Laws of Family Life

Newton’s First Law of Family Life: The only people who know enough to raise children are too old to have them. (You can tell who they are because they are the ones so free with their advice.)

Newton’s Second Law of Family Life: Boys ripen slowly. (Dad’s addendum: Like fine wine.) (Mom’s addendum: Like an open can of tuna in the hot sun.)

Newton’s Third Law of Family Life: There is no one smarter in the world than an 11-year-old girl. (If you don’t believe me, ask one.)

Newton’s Fourth Law of Family Life: Large families always wind up having one child too many.

Newton’s Fifth Law of Family Life: Small families always wind up having one child not enough.

Newton’s Sixth Law of Family Life: The only child is a victim of his or her success.

Newton’s Seventh Law of Family Life: The collective IQ of a group of 13-year-old girls never exceeds their collective shoe sizes.

Newton’s Eighth Law of Family Life: When helping around the farm, one child has a work value of one child. Two children have a work value of one-half child. Three children are … Hey! Where are you guys?

Newton’s Ninth Law of Family Life: Long-planned romantic getaways always trigger a kid’s need to visit the emergency room right when it’s time to leave.

Newton’s Tenth Law of Family Life: The issuance of a driver’s license to a sixteen-year-old is a proven cause of mental illness.

Newton’s Eleventh Law of Family Life: Female hormonal cycles are nature’s payback for making males physically larger and stronger.

Newton’s Twelfth Law of Family Life: Leftovers in the refrigerator are unwanted until thrown away.

(to be continued)


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