Better Movie Sequels Start with Better Ideas

Recently Time Magazine said that it looks like 2007 will be the Year of the Threepeat in Hollywood. Sequels (and now sequels of sequels) are like the weather; everybody complains but nobody does anything about it.

Perhaps the problem is in the ideas Hollywood uses for their sequels. Remember, for every successful sequel, there are two flops (I submit "Dumb and Dumberer : When Harry Met Lloyd" into evidence.) I suggest several leading producers put into production the sequels I'd like to see. If they do, I guarantee Hollywood will think twice before going back to the old way of creating sequels.

All Dogs Burn In Hell: Charlie and Itchy reunite for one more caper. This time they go too far, with disastrous consequences. In a hilarious tour de force filled with doggie hijinks, not only are they denied a return ticket to heaven, but they manage to get every dog thrown out of heaven. Deleted scenes on the DVD include Charlie sniffing Itchy's butt and yelling “Worms!”

Schindler's Pissed: In a retelling of the story, Oscar Schindler decides late in the war that enough is enough. He gives a gun to every person on his List – even the children – and heads for Berlin. They storm the bunker just in time to pull the gun away from a babbling suicidal AdolfHilter. Eva Braun melts in Oscar's arms while little Jewish kids with machine guns tie a leash to Hitler and parade him around Berlin on all fours with a Star of David pinned to his butt.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Pintel and Ragetti Do London: Those lovable second-rate pirates Pintel (bald, bad teeth, mean) and Ragetti (wandering eyeball, goofy) are too slow when soldiers raid a cantina, so off they go to jail. Sentenced to life at hard labor, they are assigned as galley slaves to a ship in His Majesty's Navy. In a turn of events not even Captain Jack Sparrow could have imagined, Pintel and Ragetti are the only survivors when their ship hits a hurricane. Mistaken for the captain and the first mate, they are rescued and taken to London where they become the toast of the town. Deleted scenes on the DVD include Ragetti asking Pintel to help him relieve himself in the middle of the night "because me aums fella'sleep and I can't hold me wee."

The Batman vs. Dracula: This was already an animated movie, so all a producer has to do is follow the script and shoot it as a live action epic. Can The Caped Crusader save the day before The Menace of the Night turns everyone into his slave? Adam West makes a cameo appearance as the great-great-grandson of Dr. Gabriel van Helsing, who comes to Batman's aid.